My life-partner tells me that she's thinking about sticking around...

I don’t know what is it about our kitchen, but despite living in a house with reasonably generous living spaces, it is in the kitchen that we (the family) like to gather for a chat. Moreover, it is almost invariably unscheduled because we don’t work well with official time frames or controlled discussions. The last time we had a formal conversation with my children, all of their references checked out and they both got the job. Unsurprisingly, my life partner remains on probation, but my gut tells me she intends to stick around a while longer.

We tend to congregate organically I suppose and we like to shuffle about until we find a sweet spot (the way a dog or a cat might do to get comfortable on a blanket) and while all this is going on, we ruffle though the pantry and the refrigerator looking for just the right snack for the moment and as we indulge, we take turns talking about whatever matters to each of us.

There is no specific etiquette nor is there an agenda, because every such occasion is more about ‘connecting’ and growing than anything else. Critically, during this time, we are all relaxed and entirely respectful. Everyone listens and everyone contributes. In fact, for every reason that matters, during this time we are all being the best people that we can be for each other. It is almost orchestral and I really do look forward to those moments for at least a couple of good reasons.

The first is that, frankly, I love to snack randomly and then to complain incessantly about fictional weight gain. So any room beginning with the word ‘kitchen’ is inherently appealing. Second, because every now and then, something important happens. On this one particular occasion, that ‘something important’ was triggered by a question about WHY it is - that two people with every good intention can continue to fail miserably in a relationship when they both insist they are giving everything they can and everything that matters...

The answer of course is quite simple.

No relationship works when one of the parties is NOT getting what they NEED from the other. In nutrient terms, we are talking the equivalent of ‘Emotional Malnutrition’. It’s basic arithmetic - which in so far as I can see is NOT being taught very well to our young, and that of course, explains why, along with maths, our children will also struggle with their relationship CHOICES, their relationship EXPECTATIONS and their relationship OUTCOMES and moreover, why they will too-often continue to do so as adults.

SIMPLE RULE remember: What is needed must be given as it cannot (by virtue of its nature) be taken.

Notwithstanding the fact that most conventional relationships are more about TAKING than they are about GIVING - primarily because most of us are so busy NEEDINGwhile remaining confused about that (all the while being convinced that the crazy author must be talking about somebody else) some of us have in fact understood the concept of TUNING INTO a person and therein, giving that person what matters to him or her, rather than what they (i.e the giver) prefer to part with. It's a CRITICAL distinction.

These people (of whom there are apparently too few to find easily) are quietly reaping the emotional well-being, the personal happiness and relationship fulfilment rewards while the rest of us simply continue to proclaim that we are doing the very same thing - again - convinced that the mad author must be talking about somebody else.

To properly explain this rather straight-forward ‘way of life’ principle via the path of least resistance, I will refrain from using a scientific method which would require the rather unorthodox and potentially unpalatable use of instruments such as a classroom issue protractor, an unfamiliar carpet odour, an unnecessary expletive, a roll of duct tape, a primary school teacher with a history of violence and the prison version of big night out.

Instead, we will once-again, brutally exploit the dreaded metaphor.

Imagine that you are buying a birthday present for someone you claim to care about and instead of taking the time to determine what THEY would like or appreciate or would make them happy (even if it makes no sense to you and even if you find it personally undesirable) you give them something that YOU determine they should have - or - you do something for them that YOU would prefer to do, because in your reality, there is no doubt that your belief and value systems are the right ones and everybody should simply subscribe to them, if you are to get on as it were. After all, YOU really DO know best right? SERIOUSLY !!! - What is wrong with everybody?

Hmmmnnn... Just for a moment, freeze the gift exchange activity and step away from it slowly so that you can properly see everyone acting in the scenario, including yourself. Picture the birthday victim thanking you politely for your offering that makes no sense and has no perceived value to that person. Do you notice the injured party secretly wondering what just happened, whilst hiding behind the very same artificial expression of happiness that you have spent your entire life cultivating into your reality so that you do not have to confront your undesirable behaviour. Remember, despite what you may prefer to be true, everybody else can always ‘see’ you. We are all connected like that.

Try this. Find a mirror and hold it up out in front of you so that you can clearly see your reflection and ask yourself whether - what you are giving in every part of your life to those that are supposed to matter, makes any sense or has any value to them. Keep in mind that what you are gambling with every time one of these boxes remains unchecked, is another relationship possibility and as you will now know - if you have been following these posts, a life of WORTHWHILE is really about - very little else.

My friend and my enemy, I hope you liked your gift today.